Thursday, 7 June 2012

This Week: A Competition I Am Aren't Entering

The year was 1976 and an ageing star was making a come back on kids tv show Swap Shop.
Cliff Richards was not only performing a come back hit "Devil Woman", but announcing a competition.

To aid Cliff's self promotion he announced that he was seeking a bride to be for his come back. Cliff told the viewers that he would hold open auditions the length and breadth of the country for 3 weeks solid. The proposed talent would be whittled down over the weeks with live tv shows. Each round would be judged by Cliff and two other stars, Jimmy Saville and Bruce Forsythe.

A the the televised rounds commenced the British public were transfixed, and viewing figures went through the roof. As Cliff was warm and engaging, Bruce was witty and sometimes flirtatious. Saville on the other hand was down right nasty and mean. This was topped one week when he referred to a lady from Bournemouth as "looking like a plate of offal rolled in a sleeping bag of sick".

As the rounds continued the competition moved to the countries capital. It was in this round that something unexpected happened. As the panel waited, unaware of what the next contestant looked like. Out walked A balding, ginger haired, spectacle wearing man. With a large object under a cloth. This man announced himself businessman and inventor "Clive Sinclair". Under the cloth, he revealed his "hermanoid": "Elsie".

Initially the crowd burst into laughter. Saville puffed on his cigar declaring this as "balderdash and flim flam". Forsythe saying "this is cyboring more than anything else!" But as the room quietened, one person in the theatre was falling in love. Cliff was mesmerised even before Clive switched Elsie on. Clive showed the audience how Elsie could sing and dance. Elsie knew all Cliff's back catalogue and even sang his current hit "Devil Woman" in it's clunky, robotic, voice.

With the performance concluding the judges gave their opinions. Bruce said he was "amused and intrigued" by Elsie's talents. Saville bemoaned the robot temptress saying "guys is guys, gals is gals. That's just a bean tin!" But Cliff gave the deciding vote: "You've led me to love Elsie, you're my bride!" The crowd applauded in the theatre and across the country. Cliff declared he would marry in the morning!

As the huge wedding went on, the eyes of the world watched the televised event. As Cliff declared "I do!" Elsie declared "syntax error", until the Sinclair (always near by) corrected the error. The passing months saw Cliff and Elsie honey moon around the world (with Sinclair in the back ground of every camera shot).
But by time the Wimbledon Tennis Tournament arrived, it appeared there was trouble in paradise. Spotted at the finals was Cliff and Clive, but no Elsie.

Cliff shrugged off the questions after the men's final, declaring "okay, Elsie is a little unwell. Clive will have it sorted pretty soon. Thanks!" As Cliff continued his ascension of the charts, he also released "Miss You Nights". With a performance on Top of the Pops. The back ground image being the face of Elsie.

As the year was concluding, rumours began to circulate that Cliff and Elsie had split. Indeed, media vultures pictured Cliff and Clive arguing on Hampstead Heath. By the new year, Cliff announced all ties with Clive and Elsie were cut. Nobody really found out what went in those fleeting days but Cliff managed to resurrect his career and never dabbled with robot love again. Clive went on to marry and have children of his own. Much to Cliff's managements surprise.


  1. See, this reality TV stuff's been around since the 70s. Bloody hilarious too, which is more than can be said for Th'X Factor.

    I should think Clive's children would be cyborgs - today's bigwigs in the computing industry!

    So what happened to Elsie? Was she upgraded, or simply euthanised when the tech revolution arrived? Is she Cleverbot now? :P

    1. Looking at my portrayal of Saville, I may have soft soaped his outlook. *coughs

  2. Thanks for your comment Benny. I feel quite sad that youtube is set up so people can't see my blog straight away. Cheers